Sink Or Swim ......(just keep paddling)...

Hi Sky, I don't really have much for today since I've been really occupied trying to find out about school possibilities, medical help and scheduling other related plans. I hope your days have been treating you to some productive challenges, and some fun times too. I have to admit something that I've noticed about myself lately that I didn't really think would be an issue. I.... am way more nervous than I expected to be about going to school again. I knew it would be a little awkward but wooooeeee I never anticipated the apprehension I'm experiencing now. I guess it's a kind of testament to the fact of how important getting started is to getting a goal achieved.

I'm not nervous about the younger students that much and the idea of maintaining a set schedule's all cool too, it's just the unknown factors like how in the world I am going to accomplish this from my present position(which is pretty much el crappo at the moment). I can't for the life of me fathom how I'm possibly going to pull this off but in typical Me style I guess I'll just have to dive straight in, headfirst, ready or not, here I come. Then I suppose we'll just have to resort to the old standard "Sink or Swim" mentality and hopefully before you know it I'll be able to include a permanent address in these posts as well. First things first though as I have to get medically stabilized before I can go pursuing all these nifty dreams and such.

Actually the getting retrained in a suitable career part is about 99% dream and 100% percent necessity so the truth is I have to find a way to immediately get going on this thing. Gee, no pressure there. Oh well, at least if I ever really get bogged down in worry or self doubt starts to creep in(OH NO kill it, Quick!!) all I have to do is think about the even slightest possibility that If I get a better foothold in the financial realm I will be able to eliminate the courts from this situation(where I firmly believe they never should have been in the first place, thankyou very much) and I will be much better able to find and make real contact with you on a more effective level. If I could only afford it I would have a serious private investigator on this case and you would have NO doubt where I was or how to get a hold of me and vice versa. You'd also get knowledge of the fact that this here web log actually even exists and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm sending this out to planet plooton in the far far reaches of outerspace.

Ahhhhh, well, I guess the bright side to this little scenario is that at least I still have something important to strive for. And believe me Skylar as long as I'm even able to thrive I will never give up on letting you know that I'm out here. I Love You More And More Everyday Sky and I don't even get to see you or hear your voice. Imagine how that would be when I finally get to see the real you and touch your beautiful face. Oh man that tortures me so much. I think I'm gonna go honey since this is getting tough to talk about now and I don't want to be all crying and soppy eyed in the public place where I publish this. People already look at me like I'm a Martian just because I have an injury. It's a good thing they can't see all the gnarled up heart break that's going on on the inside. They'd probably treat me like the elephant man or something("I am NOT an Animal!! I am a MAN!!!").

Geez, what's up with people nowaday's? What a scary society we live in, ya know? If people ever try to get you down you just remember sweetie, the only way that anyone can ever make you feel bad is if you decide to let'em. Keep your chin up Sky and let that youthful spirit soar 'cause this is YOUR time and no one can diminish the incredible reality and awesomely boundless power in that. I Love You Dearly my darling and I'll post again here soon. Please take pride in who you are by always being conscious of doing the right thing, because it really truly matters. You are my lightness and my hope. Je vous aimerai toujours Skylar. With Greatest Sincerity, Your Forever E.G.F. s.h.t.b.k.a. Dad

Here, In The "Here and Now" ..........

Hello my lovely daughter, I hope this day was good for you. Mine has been pretty uneventful except for when I started typing this post. This is always one of the greatest parts of my day 'cause it's when I get to talk to you :-) . Web log - It's the next best thing to being there! Yeah right, it's a VERY distant second at best, although I'm sure grateful to have this medium to get all these thoughts out to you. I think maybe eventually I might expand this to include voice bits and someday even pictures(ewww!) but I'll hold off on the expansion efforts until I get a better handle on the written process first. I did notice that you can include hyperlinks on your posts so I'll definitely be doing that from now on because there are tons of interesting places I'd like to suggest that have to do with the things I talk about.

Within the next few months this blog should be taking shape rather nicely. Someday I'd like to dump this whole format and switch to live video chat instead. Yeah, now that would be VERY cool. For now I'll be content with this and grateful to have it. I guess that flows along with the ever important concept of viscerally being in the "here and now". I heard an interesting statement from an elderly gentleman the other day, he said "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, what are you going to do with TODAY?", niiiiiice, and I thought "hmmmm, whoa, I don't really know for sure, I'd better get busy!". Elder wisdom isn't always priceless, sometimes it can just be really basic but still really worth a lot. You should hold great value and respect toward your elders Sky, they're human beings just like you, and they've been around a lot longer than you have(more on that later).

Well darling, I hope you've planned something productive or at least mentally stimulating for today, you don't want to waste another opportunity at being alive(and kickin). As for me I believe I'm going to go and attempt a low impact workout and try to educate myself on something new today. Maybe I'll even check on some college classes, although it will be as much as a couple of semesters before I'm ready to begin. Then it's lookout youngsters, 'cause there's a smart old injured guy coming through!! Don't ever let anything get in the way of your dreams Sky. You can do it, no matter what it is, it just takes a dream, a vision, some lofty goals and an unrelenting commitment to NEVER give up. Nobody ever said it will be easy, but things that are actually worth it seldom are. I have a tremendous amount of faith in your abilities Sky, you should let that be contagious. Discovery leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to wisdom and wisdom will beset a true sense of inner confidence.

In other words sweetheart, it gets a little easier as you go along, the hardest parts are getting started(that's #1) and finishing what you start(more on that later too). Skills are something you learn, abilities are something you're born with. I know you have the ability because it's rampant throughout your genetic makeup. What you do with the gifts your given is entirely up to you. I have faith in ya sweetie, just don't wait so long and get yourself in an extreme uphill battle like I did. Be good to yourself by putting in the effort and life will reward you for that. I'm going to go for now but I'll post again within the next couple of days. Be well my darling young lady and remember...........do what you know is right, yes, you guessed it...... because it matters. God Bless and I'll talk to(at?) you soon. Sincerely and Forever, you're E.G.F. (Me)

Beware of the Thought Controllers......

There is an undeniable force impeding upon all of us in this crazy new age we live in and its all centering around one primary objective,the control of how and what we think. The extreme level of high technology we now enjoy, while a boon for legitimate information exchange, also vastly increases the possibility that the information we receive and process through our brains as part of the development of our personal opinions, points of view and general outlooks on life(or our life experiences) may very well be FALSE. In reflection of, and in direct response to this reality I would urge you,emphatically , to embolden your character and beware of the ever increasing threat of THOUGHT CONTROL.

You have a mind that is every bit as blessed and capable of clear, discernible thought processing as anybody else's. You must make certain that you retain permanent control of your own mind. To truly even begin to better understand what's really going on in the world it is necessary to put forth at least a modicum of effort. In light of this I have put together a short list of what I believe to be some of the more incorruptible sites involving national and world significant issues. These I believe would be useful websites in any persons search for a more unenhanced and unscripted presentation of events as they are actually occurring.

Here are a few respectable politically active sites that you might want to check out. Alternet, American Progress Action Fund, Center for Digital Democracy, Citizens for Media Literacy, Common Cause, Consumer Federation of America, Consumers Union, Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting, Free Press, Media Matters for America, Media for Democracy, MediaChannel.org, MoveOn.org, Reclaim the Media, Youth Media Council, ZMagazine. One note, beware of the liberal extremists that sometimes get intertwined with the real truth tellers. While they are almost as bad as some of the right wing fanatics out there, all ultra extreme or fanatical sources would best be avoided with opting for a glimse of the real truth, which usually resides somewhere nearer the middle ground, as being a far more preferable choice.

Keep in mind, the primary point to even reading any of this in the first place is to attempt to access a glimmer of what's actually going on around us. The real trick to it all is to somehow be able to use your better judgment to disprove the material you're being presented with and it's also always good to examine just what it is any particular source, or who they are speaking in support of, has to gain from convincing you that the information they are presenting is in fact the real truth. Happy reading and remember what Oliver Wendell Holmes once said "A mans(any humans) mind once stretched by a new idea can never regain its original dimensions".

I would also HIGHLY recommend this site http://www.outfoxed.org/ and seeing the movie it discusses as it will definitely shed a new light on how your very thoughts are constantly under threat of media manipulation and how if you are not aware that this is happening then you become a much bigger candidate to become victimized by the disinformation society. As you're father but even more so just as you're honest friend I must tell you this, always question authority Skylar and always make sure you reserve the right to think freely and to use your own mind. Those are two rights and personal abilities that can never be taken away from you so long as this is still considered to be a democratic society. Good reading to you my beautiful daughter and may your research shine a brighter light toward Truth, and as always may peace and love surround you and keep you. I Love You Immensely and With All My Heart. Sincerely, Your E.G.F.

There's Always A Brighter Day

Hi sweetie, thankfully I'm feeling a lot better today than I was during the last post. Ya know, It's crazy how no matter how harsh and totally crappy your day can get, there is ALWAYS a brighter day on it's way. Well, as long as you get to have another day, but you know what I mean. So anyway, before I say anything else today there is something I kinda want to get clear on first. I wrote in a recent post titled "Random (dad)Thoughts #2" that alcohol and any hard street drug were absolute zero tolerance substances and basically should be avoided at all costs. Wellllll, I think there might be just a little more to say about that....in the spirit of total honesty.

While I do feel that these substances pose a tremendous potential for harm, in being consistent with the level of honesty I have committed myself to maintain in order to achieve the level of integrity I demand of myself in my relationship with you(boy, this is harder than I thought), I must include the ever popular sentiment that if alcohol is indeed used in strict moderation and to a lesser degree if a street drug is used carefully,responsibly and in small dose(by an Adult 21 years or older) that the catastrophic effects I hint to in my personal review of these substances is, in fact, not entirely likely to occur, at least not immediately.

That said, let me continue in saying that the odds of someone actually using alcohol in any truly moderate form for any significant period of time is about(at best) the same as the chance that someone will be granted access to membership in the American Mensa Society which at present is about 2%. Furthermore, regardless of the quantity consumed, in accord with present day federal and state laws, any amount of most street drugs is considered highly illegal(with stiff penalties) and does without doubt(and to a much higher degree) pose extreme risk of profound and permanent damage to the human mind, body and spirit.

There, I just had to get that off my chest. I want you to feel as though you can always speak truthfully to me Sky and that when I tell you something that you can be assured of my total commitment to truthfulness as well. This is very important to me Skylar and I want to take this time to let you know that with total certainty and in absolute seriousness. It's a huge thing to have a relationship that is based solely on unwavering truth and total positive respect for one another. Since you'll always hold the #1 relationship slot in my heart I want to make sure that this relationship is approached and supported in that spirit and treated with the level of integrity that such an important entity would deserve.

Cool, I'm glad I got a chance to say that because now you'll know better where I'm coming from. Sky, I'm a pretty cool person if you get to know me and I don't want to ,actually , I refuse to alter my personality in some way to try and appear like some sort of stereotype "perfect father figure" or something that's fake and ingenuine. Nope, that just wouldn't be me, and , that simply would not be good enough for MY SKY. It simply would not do. So, while I may at times come off as a bit of an eccentric or independent free thinking type, odds are that's only because that's exactly what I am. Believe me Sky when I tell you, I've been around this great world of ours enough to know when I'm being lead down a false or bogus path and most of the time when I say I know something it can be checked and confirmed that indeed I've the experience or relevant knowledge to speak my piece.

If ever there is a time when I don't know something or don't have an answer then part of maintaining that supreme level of integrity in our relationship is telling you honestly that, while I'm more than willing to help you figure something out, at this point I just don't know. Great, for some reason I seem to be touching on several of the important details I wanted to discuss about our relationship and I didn't even write any of this as a draft first either. I love it when a thought process comes together :-) . Whoohooo, I'm clickin' it out fo' ma baby!!. Oh yeah, I'm definitely not immune to being embarrassing either, although it's generally just in kidding around and I realize I'm being a tardo when I do that. I'll try to keep that to a minimum, for now anyway.

I know there's no way of telling when you'll come across any of this but when you do, and if(when) you're willing, I would Love to hear about the things that make you smile. I want to hear about all the triumphs you've enjoyed and about the hardships and deep personal demons you've had to deal with. I just want to chill on a big cushy couch or something and listen for as long as you can talk. That would be some seriously sublime music to my ears. I often wonder in my daily thoughts about you what kind of clothing you prefer, what's you're favorite color(s), what you like to do for fun, you know, the little details that illustrate you're personality. Yeah, that's it, I want a gigantic illustrious illustration of everything that makes you who you are. It's always important to know what you want,it makes it easier to figure out how to get there. I think they call that, goals , or something to that effect(as a matter of fact, they DO).

Well Skylar, seeing as how I'm pretty much just sort of rambling about at this point, I suppose I should probably hang this one up for now and begin working on the next post which I'll be ready to publish here within the next couple of days. By the way, I hope you enjoy the Random Thoughts feature, it just kinda came together on it's own. I think I'll continue with that as it gives me a place for all the stuff that doesn't really follow any sort of format or pattern so to speak. The next one's gonna be about Spirituality I think so that should surely be a fun one. I suppose I'll need to write it first though, that would probably help, then I'll put it here when I'm done. Yeah ,That's a plan, man.

Darling, please feel free to contact me any time and know that I am waiting hopefully to hear from you and that when it comes to my heart it's like a lost inheritance for you, just waiting to be claimed. I hope and pray that you're safe and doing ok and as always I continue to long for the day when contact with you is finally achieved. Although I'm probably not much to look at in real life, there's a virtual treasure trove of goodness I carry inside and it's my fondest dream to someday hand it all over to you. Until I should receive such grace, be good to those around you and always be conscious of doing the right thing because, in every essence of truth, it totally, totally matters. Take care sweetheart and I'll post again soon. I Love You with ALL My Heart. With greatest sincerity, you're Eternally(Forever) Grateful(For YOU) Father(EXALTED By You're Existence)

I'm Missing You ....Immensely

Hello my daughter, I hope you are doing well on this day(and all days). As always I'm glad to be able to post although I must say I'm feeling a little melancholy today, it's hard to feel cheery when there's a hole in your heart where someone you love ought to be :-( . I guess things are just getting to me a little extra today for some reason. Anyway, I'm knee deep in the process of getting myself some medical attention and getting on with a better and much more productive stage of my life. I don't know if you've noticed but I spent some time yesterday hooking up some links for the link section of this blog. I tried to include some things that I thought would be useful to you and yet cool enough to be enjoyable too. There are a couple of them that are political minded and I only include those because I wanted you to see them, I want to encourage you to be a free minded individual so how you assimilate that info is entirely up to you. I picked out a sort of "top 25" that I thought you should check out and I hope you like them. If you ever want me to add anything just let me know, I'd REALLY LOVE to have the input :-) .

Sky, I hope you don't take offense when I try to offer "fatherly advice" or my various insights since the situation is the way it is. I just want you to grow up to be a good person. You already have the seeds planted deep within you. You can think of my input and advice as the water and nutrients and your positive experiences/relationships as the sunshine. My only dilemma is being able to be there to help pull the weeds. I certainly hope that someone there is pulling the weeds. You know, you can do some of that yourself too, if need be. Anyway, you must try to be strong, Sky, and have courage. Courage is doing the right thing even though you are afraid. Building a secure self is not easy and can rarely if ever be done by oneself, but it doesn't have to be. Never be afraid to ask for some help when you need it. We're all supposed to be here to help one another out along the way. Help many and you'll also help yourself as a consequence. It's all part of the interconnected web of life :-) . Smile baby, and let yourself laugh often and openly whenever you get the chance. Laughter is like medicine to your soul, and it really helps a lot :-) .

Sweetheart I miss you so much that it's getting hard to even write this thing. Some days are just a lot harder than others I guess, such is life. You just have to tough things out when it gets really difficult and try to stay focused on whatever it is your trying to accomplish and no matter what, NEVER give up. Well, there's certainly NO chance whatsoever of that(giving up) happening in this case. I'll post this blog until I've made contact with you or I cease to live on this Earth. Heck, you may have a multi-volume Epic Masterpiece before it's over with :-) . My problem is that what I'm trying to accomplish is to make some kind of contact with you. It's a natural and obvious enough desire and all, it's just that every second I long so much for some sort of tangible progress and yet sometimes it feels like I'm just sending this out to somewhere in outerspace or something and that makes me feel like you're never going to find this thing :-( . It's frustrating I mean, God, where's the equal justice in this situation?

I hope that good things really do come to those that wait because I will stay unshakably determined to find the patience, somehow, in my earnestmost hope that someday the most incredible and miraculous thing(look in mirror) ;-) to ever touch my universe will eventually come to me. I have to think now how I would always want to reassure you to keep the faith and this time learn to take my own advice to help me make it through. My God this SO totally sucks to want you and miss you and need you yet not be able to have you in my life. While by now we should be heavily engaged in building and reinforcing a positive Father/Daughter relationship, instead I'm caught up in this huge legal conundrum while my only child grows up without me. The fact that this situation, while to a minimal degree(admittedly), is not mostly my fault makes me absolutely furious. I am feeling very deeply wounded at this time. Some of these wounds will be forever.

Honest parental Love should never be kept away from a child, It's inhumane, deeply harmful, it's unnatural and it's just not right. I just can not believe that this is even happening and I can't imagine that it's even remotely legal the way I've been pushed around and completely shut out when it comes to all affairs in relation to you're life. I could never possibly do anything to deserve this. Think about it, there are literally thousands of families in this country that live in utter indigent squalor every single day yet they still have the love of their family members and sometimes that's the glue that keeps them together as individuals and that's the only thing that gets them through. Yet I am unjustly sequestered from my only child solely because of closeminded selfishness and because I don't have money? That is without any doubt the most insane and cruelest thing I have ever heard of IN MY ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE. This is SO wrong and I can't believe this could possibly be legal what they are doing to me(to us). Ooohh, I need some sort of pro bono legal Superman to fly down and rescue me from this soul crushing peril. Where are all the superheroes in real life when you need them? If you find one let him/her know what's up. I think they'd be willing to help.

Sky, I know you are probably feeling pretty grifted in all this too. The hardest part of all is knowing that you are being bogusly ripped off through all this and that is NONE of you're fault and entirely unfair to you. That's the harshest pain of all for me to have to endure and it burns like a red hot knife blade in my heart. I sincerely hope that none of the other parties involved here could possibly be getting any satisfaction from this. Whew, where do we find relief from something like this, it is sooo heinous. No doubt, if old Sam Walton(see 7-18-05) were here right now he'd totally kick my ass. I'm not so sure that I wouldn't deserve it either. It begrieves me to admit that I have undoubtedly allowed myself to completely fall into this ever difficult situation that it seems I'm totally unable to get myself out of. Yikes baby, this is some seriously tough stuff. Wow, I'm sorry about ranting on about this Sky, It's not my intention to use this blog as a place to complain and I'll stop now. This all just seems so...so...not right, ya know? I should probably close this post soon anyway, I don't want to make them too long. I want to end this post on a positive note but I don't know where to go from here.

Let me just close with this.....Skylar, you are my hugest and most impossible dream come true and as much as you mean to my heart I know that I could someday be as valuable to you. I Love You with every ounce of life in my body. GOD BLESS YOU MY BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM HEAVEN :-) . Enough of following all the wrong roads, it's beyond time I turned this thing around. I will never give up on this effort and I will NEVER give up on you. Please try to keep your chin held high and always remember to be conscious of doing the right thing, because it matters, and when hard times come your way...be brave, things will get better, I promise you. Until then just try to stay busy and stay positive....and Laugh baby, laugh as big and as often as possible. Laughter lifts your heart and opens you're spirit. Nothing's quite as awesome a release as when laughter wells up from deep down inside you and you just let it all come rolling out. Oh how I dream I could see you laugh. I can only pray someday we'll laugh together. Take care of yourself and the loved ones around you Sky and I'll post again soon. All My Love, you're FOREVER E.G.F.

Random (dad)Thoughts #2

My Lifestyle Choices(in brief). Obviously there's a bunch more stuff than this, but there's also the potential that I'll need to post on this blog for quite a long while as well.

What I'm in to - Activism, peaceful social gatherings, good live music, interpersonal relations, computer technology, my personal spiritual quest and eco-conscious or environmental issues.

What I'm not in to - Anything that causes harm to myself or others around me, ALCOHOL(yecch!!), tobacco(ignorant!!), any hard street drug, crime, dishonesty and hatred. I believe ALL these things, through indepth personal experience/observation, to be absolutely STUPID, extremely HARMFUL and totally UNNECESSARY and thus, to me, are all considered complete NO GO ZONES. To each his own of course, but I don't believe these things could be good for ANYONE and show a serious deficit in someone's better judgment and a discerning lack of what is generally referred to as good old common sense. If it doesn't help you, then.....???Duh???

What I feel is really not as important as people make it - Appearances, tattoos, piercings(although I certainly don't want any metal hanging off of my face), hairlength(unless there's a safety issue this is entirely arbitrary,and I mean ENTIRELY), clothing choices, personal style ect., and attempting to look "cool" through material objects or other stunts to try to fit in... A well used mind trumps them all(NO DOUBT). Don't ever be scared to just be yourself, be honest at all costs and always keep it conscious to do right action, it matters, we're ALL connected within the web of life. To deny that is to behave as a fool. People should also try to exercise what could be referred to as "Right Speech" which basically just means being conscious of whether your words are helpful or positive in nature or if they will just cause harm or hurt. Minding "right speech" practice simply states that if your words are harmful or negative toned that you don't say them. The power of ones tongue is far too often grossly underestimated and the words that you speak can do incredible and sometimes irreversible harm thus it is of optimum importance to learn to know when it is better not to speak. Indeed many millions have died on this planet just because someone didn't know when to keep their mouths shut. True Fact.

Looking in to your own heart you can work on why you even think negatively in the first place. Everybody says or thinks negative things sometimes Sky, it's being consciously aware of this and taking the initiative to work on improvement that will set you apart from others and root you on more solid ground.

"Overall Knowledge" that I have acquired throughout my life [exhibit A] - In the darkest scariest moments of my life I have gleamed some particularly strong insights that I would deem of utmost importance in obtaining and enjoying a life most free from unnecessary fear and suffering. The first and most prominent one would have to do with brains, the ones in your head. Yes it seems as though we all know we have them but few truly realize the intense value of the human brain. Honestly, if you take all the experiences, all the sensations, our opinions of everything we sense(in fact all sensory capabilities), everything we want, feel, smell, see, hear, enjoy, think of and dream about....Absolutely everything we experience, want, do ,or accomplish in our lives.....It's all initiated, regulated, managed and stored for later recall by the glorious, mysterious BRAIN.

When you think about it in those terms it makes that good 'ole brain of yours look pretty darn important. Thus, you would think, any even remotely sensible human being would, hence, treat their brain with the utmost care and attention while planning, constructing and living their individual lives. Yeah right, you would think.......UNFORTUNATELY, you needn't do more than step outside to any public area and pay even the slightest bit of attention for a few minutes, at most, and you will notice that obviously a great deal of the population either 1.) has not assessed this information yet or 2.) just doesn't seem to understand that they even ought to care. Just mmaaayyyybe that's a big part of why SO many people are out there doing SOOOO much RIDICULOUSLY STUPID SH*T. IT TOTALLY BOGGLES MY MIND (use your head sweetie).

By the way- I'm no Latin professor, but, to the best of my assimilation, Desiderium Paternis is Latin for....A Fathers Longing(For His Child)...Neat huh? Here's another one for you...Audentes Fortuna Juvat..Or..Fortune Favors the Bold . Indeed it does..And Change Favors the Prepared Mind too, although I don't have the Latin for that :-) ..one more you can ASPIRE to, it's so cool it's the official motto of the World Olympic Games, it goes..Citius, Altius, Fortius..It means Swifter- Higher-Stronger, not THAN anything, just Swifter...Higher...Stronger , yeah... Way cool. :-)

Random facts that could probably only be of interest to you(and yours)- You are at this very second..13 years old..or that's 164 months,713weeks,4994days,119856hours,7191384minutes or 431483088 seconds that you have been on this earth(outside of the womb that is). You're birthday in Roman numerals reads XI XVI MCMXCI. You're father has a tattoo on his left hip, it's a bluebird with a flowery wreath below it and a heart in the middle of it all. The heart has a banner that runs across it and that banner says..... Skylar. It was put there shortly after you were born so I would see it every day for the rest of my life. Now I'll always carry you with me, forever, no matter what. :-)

Well my dear, I guess that's about it for this one.... to mine heart you are sublime ;-) and hopeful thoughts of you fill my head on a daily basis. I pray that you will be well and dream of the day that contact with you is finally achieved. My hearts in a serious daughter deficit and it's hurting me more than words can express . God Bless You Skylar L'nea ...... Your E.G.F.

Chugging Right Along ....Sort of

Hi Sky, I've been working hard lately at getting my life back on an even keel and while things are definitely going slow at least I feel like I'm beginning to make some sort of headway. I finally got an appointment to see a doctor about the chronic pain in my back /neck from degenerative disc disease in my cervical and lumbar spine and I'm looking very forward to making some progress with that. If I can just get myself re-stabilized healthwise then I can begin to prepare for some serious transitional life changes including some college classes. Eventually the natural stress levels should begin to subside a bit,now if I can only find the patience to just hold tight a bit longer,it seems much sunnier days are on the horizon. I once heard a quote from Sam Walton(the founder of Wal-Mart) that I liked a lot. Sam said "DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO FALL INTO DIFFICULT SITUATIONS YOU CAN'T CHANGE!". Simple perhaps but oh did he ever hit the nail on the head with that one. I'll remember that one for the rest of my days.

A well articulated sense of foresight is an absolutely PRICELESS personal commodity Skylar and should never be discounted or overlooked. While none of us has the ability to see in to the future,we're all capable of thinking through to the possible outcomes of our actions BEFORE we take them and, as far as I'm concerned, the process of foresight(or thinking through to the results of your actions) is with out doubt one of the most indispensable mental processes we humans have the ability to integrate in to our routine daily cognition. If I only knew then even half of what I know now I, without ANY doubt, would have steered ALL of my focus and mental energy in to getting a sound education and building the essential foundation for a structurally sound life. Trust this baby girl,while being "cool" or fitting in may seem like a life sustaining requirement at the time(when you're growing up in life), no matter how "in" or hip an action or possession may make you feel, a well used mind trumps them all.

Furthermore I bet if you take a look at the real world you'll notice that those that keep it real and apply their minds toward gaining an education and making themselves both smarter and stronger as individuals(and more marketable) almost always get to have the last laugh(and ultimately more fun too). So take a look at all those kids that get called names like "nerds" or "brains" and for some untold reason aren't largely considered to be cool or in the hip and excepted "in" crowd, for what you see is an illusion my love and in reality it is these kids who truly hold all the beans in life. Indeed , some day most of the uber-cool In crowd types will be begging those nerdy so called"losers" for jobs or a chance at a decent future. There aren't many flunkies that will honestly tell you their lives seem fulfilling to them and there certainly aren't many without an education that get to enjoy any of the finer fruits of their worklife like leadership positions or creative freedoms in their jobs.

I'm certainly not telling you this just because it's the right thing to do or in order to do what's right as a father, NO, this I say out of utter truth and out of the purest respect for you as my daughter. I tell you this, actually, based on my own sometimes unbearable experience and personal observations. I mean only to reflect upon some hard won wisdoms I have earned, for it is with my greatest hopes that you may have a smoother path in life. It is what it is on this one Sky and I'm just putting it out there where you can see it. The rest of the process of assessing the worth of these statements and ultimately the decision of whether or not to integrate these statements in to your life as personal knowledge that you own is, regardless of ANYONE'S wishes or stern prodding, entirely up to you.

I Love You Very Much sweetheart and I only want for you to have a much clearer insight than I did when I was attempting to grow up without a clue about many of the things I speak to you of in these days. I think that's probably enough food for thought for today. Be good and keep yourself occupied with constructive and positive things, it'll make your time a much more valuable commodity. I'll post again as soon as I'm able to and as always I continue to long for the day I can finally make contact with you. You are truly lovely to me Sky and you're always in my thoughts. Love...You're E.G.F

Digging Myself Out Of This..or Trying My Best

Hi Skylar , I have been very busy lately just trying to survive so it's extremely difficult for me to write much now but I just wanted to post to say that I Love You Very Much and I promise I will write again as soon as possible although it may be 4-6 days before I am able to. As always, take good care of yourself and please make sure to be conscious of doing the right thing in your daily decision making. I know, it sounds like a broken record, but it's true and it matters SOOO much. Actually, choosing to do whats right , or "Right Action" as it could be called, is directly connected to your personal happiness so take that to heart and try to trust your dad on this one. I'll write again soon . Untill then, my beautiful child(young lady,now :-) yikes) , may peace and love surround you and keep you. Love.... your Eternally Grateful Father (or just Dad, if(when) you ever want to!!!)

California Postponed, Hello Ill-Annoy...boy oooh boy :-(

Hi Skylar,I made it back to Illinois and while it took a big toll on my body(read:spinal pain) I was surprised that it wasn't as extreme as I worried it might be. I guess that's just another example of how useless it is to worry. Worrying's a ridiculous waste of time...but..I think it takes knowledge and confidence to take its place and effectively put it out of commission. Put that to the test in your own life and see what you think. Actually,I'll bet if you put a lot of the things I tell you in this weblog to the test in your own life that you just might come to the personal conclusion that your father's actually a pretty sharp guy in a lot of instances. That should make you happy because you have my genes in you and intelligence is a genetic trait that is totally passed on by your parents. So be happy and confident from day to day and don't ever be afraid to challenge yourself Sky.

When you challenge yourself physically and mentally you begin to discover and define both your natural strengths and weaknesses and that in turn helps you to define who you are and you'll naturally get to know yourself better. You see,life is definitely worth living,you just have to make sure you truly live it(carpe diem, if you will). That makes it not necessarily easy a lot of the time but when you consistently challenge yourself and honestly do your best in all your endeavors it tends to make it totally worth the price you pay. Plus in the end your life seems a whole lot more fulfilling than if you get lazy(bad,very bad) or complacent and just sort of let life happen to you. You can bank on that one sweetheart,that's for sure. Just trying to gleam some honest useful information for you whenever I can, no kudos necessary, it's truly just a labor of love ;-) . SMILE, it makes you feel better and improves the day of all those around you.

I have great confidence in you Sky and I only(totally) wish that I could be there to witness the realization and development of that sort of personal confidence in yourself. There goes those colossal dreams and wishes again, heart killers I say, judging from the way they make me feel. I only pray that these dreams, of making contact with you, can actually come true and I mean SOON. I Love You Very Much sweetheart and I still hold out my hopes that you'll find this weblog any day now. God bless your every breathe baby. That's all for now but I'll definitely post again soon. Take care of yourself(and your loved ones) and always be conscious of doing the right(you'll know,just be honest with yourself) thing , no matter how hard it may seem at the time. Trust me when I tell you, you'll thank yourself later. I miss you horribly and with all my heart. Love ... your deeply honored Father a.k.a. ME

Happy Birthday U.S.A.!!! It's The 4th of July!!!!

Hi Sky,there's really nothing very exciting to post today. All in all the day has been pretty uneventful. I watched a little of the Macy's fireworks on television and turned in early for the evening. I leave tomorrow morning for good 'ole ill-annoy and for some reason my itinerary is three days long this time.Man that's really going to hurt me. My doctor gave me some strong drugs called valium but I absolutely hate that kind of stuff(and harsh pharmaceuticals in general) so I'll have to wait until I'm in severe pain before I contemplate taking one of those. For me,natural holistic medicine is the ONLY way to go and it's definitely the only type of treatment I trust.

Maybe soon the world will wake up and educate itself better about healthy and effective alternatives to conventional big pharmaceutical medicine. That's too long for me to wait though,I need some honest relief right now and not all this harmful stuff the pharmy docs are so eager to push my way,sorry doctors no sale here. I just want to feel better and be able to tackle the huge obstacles I need to conquer in my life and major side effects are NOT a part of that equation,mainly because they don't have to be. That's part of why I desperately need to get back to California full time, so I can exercise my right to explore medical alternatives that aren't available or may not be accepted in the cruel corrupted Midwest(and elsewhere).

Well,I'm glad to be able to post today and I hope your having a fun and eventful 4th of July. Remember to say a prayer for the men and women overseas in Iraq and that this murderous regime comes to an end very soon. I Love You with all my heart Skylar and I will post again after I get situated somehow back in good 'ole ill-annoy. Take care of yourself, look out for those that you Love, treat others with kindness... and use that brilliant mind of yours, that's precisely what it's there for. May Peace and Love surround you my beautiful daughter..Love you lots, your hopeful Dad.

Random (dad)Thoughts #1

MUSIC- music is the sounds of our soul and I'm a firm believer in the healing power of a good tune. I believe that music is addictive and that it works almost like a drug, except without all the serious health damage, and as far as I'm concerned you have my official blessing, and encouragement, to get as full blown addicted to music as you possibly can....as long as you can keep your head on straight. You should also try and keep an open mind when it comes to the various types or genres of music you choose to listen to. There are a vast world of musical choices out there waiting to be explored and appreciated for their individual qualities. You may be very surprised at how diverse your musical tastes can become once you learn to truly open yourself up to the millions of heady music possibilities that are out there just waiting for your discovery .

The main key is to keep living your life as best you can while just enjoying music as a sort of supplement(although perhaps a MAJOR one) to your life as opposed to allowing such outside sources to over-influence or sidetrack your life goals. In fact, I'm one to believe that as long as you've got your sh#t together and you're not causing harm or serious danger to yourself or others that a person should be able to make their own choices in life in general. MIND YOU MY DEAR......we ALL HAVE TO LIVE WITH our decisions in life so, please, do be mindful of the choices that you make. Some of them may not be undo-able and that also includes the words that you speak(more on that last part later). I Love You ...... and that one's not just a random thought. Be well "MY-SKY" and I'll post again soon. Here's a quote for you to figure out...Je t'aime plus que des mots peuvent exprimer ma belle fille....and I mean that too!!!