Life's little version of "ebb and flow"

Things are going a bit smoother now and I've acquired a ticket back to good 'ole Ill-annoy. I leave on the 5th of July and I couldn't be less excited. In fact, I'm really quite excited about the prospect of moving on to the next stage of my life(my personal quest back to "normalcy") although the path I'm going to be taking totally leaves a lot to be desired. There's a rough road up ahead for me but beyond it is the only place where things can truly get better and finally begin to stay that way. Until I get there I'll just have to find some way to keep it on the sunny side and do my best to help facilitate some longterm change for the positive. I Love You Very Much sweetheart and will be posting here again within the next few days. Please take care and remember to treat people right and always be conscious of the choices that you make.

Eureka! I've made it to...Eureka!

Hi Skylar, I've managed to make it to California and boy am I ever glad to be here. The physical toll the trip had on me was considerably more harsh than I expected it would be. When I was in Oakland I couldn't get out of my chair and it really started to get me worried but I made it here anyway. When I got here it was late night and it was difficult to find a motel. I had to get a cab to help me because I couldn't carry my stuff and by the time I settled into a motel I had already spent half of my money. I knew at that point that I'd either have to find a place for my personal belongings or I'd have to lose it all and just carry a small basic pack in order to get around.

I was pretty nervous about this and then I remembered that a very good friend of mine that was out of state but had a storage unit here had left the key with another friend that was in the area so I made a couple of calls and before long I was in contact with yet another friend(friends are an awesome gift from GOD,no doubt!) that agreed to let me store a couple of bags temporarily and he even offered to let me recuperate at his apartment. This was an extremely significant gesture on his part as at the time I was stranded with two big bags of luggage that I couldn't carry around,I was almost completely broke and my physical condition was badly deteriorated.

My friend got the general rundown of what my situation was and what my plans were. He also let me know ,which I already had assumed, that while he wished he could set me up with a longer term place to stay his situation just would not allow for it and unfortunately within a short time I would have to move on. I had totally expected that part although the prospect of going out into the great unknown in my condition was not a very confidence inspiring thought. I arrived here on Monday evening and it's now the following Saturday and I haven't even had the opportunity to speak with my doctor yet.I will be able to get somewhere with that by this Monday at least then, as much as it pains me to even think this, I'm afraid I may have to return to Illinois until I get a more secure situation to come out here permanently.

I'm afraid that as much as I want to move back here It's just not really possible under the conditions I'm stuck in. My heart breaks again. Patience is always a huge commodity but right now HOPE is absolutely golden and I wish I could muster up some more of it 'cause it's all I have to run on right now and my meter is uncomfortably close to E. I pray that I make it out of this stage of my life and that I'll have the good fortune to live on solid ground again. These are indeed the most trying and harrowing times of my life.

I want you to know that through all of this and anything else life can throw my way you can know without doubt that I will always carry you in my heart..And...that may just be the thing that carries ME through these impossible times. Things will get better,you just have to keep the faith. I love and miss you dearly Skylar and I hope to post here again soon. God Bless and take good care of yourself. Please always try to be conscious of doing the right thing and treat other people the way you would like them to treat you,with dignity and respectfulness. I hope you'll find this soon and if you do say a little prayer for your father 'cause right now I can definitely use it. Love...Me

I'm Going Home

I've been extremely busy preparing to go back to California. I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to but things seem to be going smoothly otherwise thus far. Also I'm moving to a place where I can establish a permanant posting site and then I'll be able to post at least every day. I wish I was sending you a text message or an email instead. I Love You very much and I hope and pray that I hear from you soon. I miss you Skylar.

Desiderium Paternis for sure.....

Hey Sky, it's me again. Isn't it crazy how we can even DO one of these weblogs these days? Well it's probably not so incredible to you but it makes me feel really... oh, I don't know, let's just say it makes me feel a little....."long lived" to put it nicely. Well ,anyway, when I first started this I was mainly just looking for a way to communicate to you, on as personal a basis as possible, that; I DO love you and I DO want to be with you(I always have) and that you're ALWAYS in my heart and that I'm out here struggling and nobody can or will help me to make contact with you and that you are ALWAYS welcome around me , AND.... that you were absolutely NOT a casual sex "by chance" sort of occurrence. I feel a huge sense of relief just in the fact that I've gotten that information to a permanent and accessible place where this is highly likely to be found by you.

I've had a strong feeling that a friend of yours will find it first and alert you to it, I don't know why,it's just a vibe I guess. Wouldn't it be weird if it happened that way after I had that feeling? Frankly, I don't really care how you actually come across this blog I just want you to find it SOON and hey, if(when) you do, don't feel rushed or obligated to contact me right away either Sky. Just take your time and try to stay relaxed(breathe,it way helps) and then when YOU are ready to you can write me an email of whatever length you want and say whatever you feel like saying,whatever that may be. Just be honest Skylar and know that I'll be receptive and open minded to your feelings. All I'm most concerned with is letting you know that I'm out here,struggling,and that the very biggest thing that I want is a daughter to love and to have in my life, just like since before you were conceived.

On another seperate but totally related note, this is a "learn as I go" sort of proposition but as far as the general "format" of this blog is concerned from here on out it looks like it will consist of a somewhat eclectic mix of things I want you to know or to know about, things I'm experiencing in my life, thoughts that I'll openly share for you to read and a lot of me just talking to you as if you were right here with me, where I'd prefer you to be if I had my way about it in the first place. I think it's criminal for me to be separated from you only because I don't have money and because of other peoples closed minded selfishness. Believe me sweetheart, I don't nearly proclaim to be perfect. I have my share of problems, iniquities and shortcomings just like everybody else does but all-in-all when it really comes down to it I honestly feel that your father(ME..YIPEE!!) is a pretty decent person and that I have a huge amount of good and wisdom and love to offer to you as a dad AND as a friend. I am deeply grateful to be able to honestly say that to you and I am truly exalted by the fact that you even exist.

Now then, if this is true what I say about myself, and I assure you in total earnestness that it is, then wouldn't any compassionate and sane minded person conclude that indeed you are being cheated here and that you are missing out and that this is completely unfair to not just me but to you as well? Just a thought sweetie,one that occupies the greatest portion of my brain and heart space these days and one that I've been pressure cooking over for way too long now. Don't the people making all these decisions ever take even the slightest moment to think that maybe it would be a huge asset to your life to be able to have access to a father that 1. Loves you dearly 2. Has a lot of valuable assets besides financial stuff to offer and 3. Would TOTALLY LOVE to have you in his life??

Whew, man sometimes this whole mess is just so way overwhelming that I feel like I'm going to lose my aching mind. Honest parental love should never be trampled on like this Sky, it's just not natural and it's just not humane and it's just not right. There are no apologies in this universe immense enough for a situation like this. I love you with all my heart Sky. So that's my post for today, nobody ever said it would all be easy or nice. My heart is still tearing and I REALLY need a hug right now, a daughter hug. Be well my lovely child, and may peace and love surround you and keep you. I'll post again soon . Love, ... A Beleaguered Dad.

Trying To Get Home

Hey, If anyone reading this happens to be in a situation where you've been unjustly seperated from your kids please feel free to post and share your experiences with others that have been through these type of challenges and that way my daughter can get a better idea of what it's like on this side of the fence.(End) Hi Skylar, I love you very much Sky and I hope you find this soon. I'm still in good old "Ill-Annoy" trying to get myself home. I think I've gotten the ticket squared away but I'm still working on the money for the trip. I miss you soooo bad sweetie, I wish I could just call you up and say hi and see how your day is going.

I wish a lot of things, mostly I just wish you were here with me and we could go get some ice-cream or something and just hangout a bit and talk. I guess I'll dream that untill it's true. If you find this (PLEASE FIND THIS !!!!!) I can be contacted at the gmail site and my webname there is jcasinova so just put in that(jcasinova) and then the @ sign and then gmail.com.I pray every day that I'll hear from you soon,GOD, if only one of my prayers is ever answered For The Rest Of My Life, please let it be this one. The pain in my heart overwhelms me. May peace and love surround you my darling wonderful daughter,I miss you with all my heart. I'll post again soon....