Desiderium Paternis for sure.....

Hey Sky, it's me again. Isn't it crazy how we can even DO one of these weblogs these days? Well it's probably not so incredible to you but it makes me feel really... oh, I don't know, let's just say it makes me feel a little....."long lived" to put it nicely. Well ,anyway, when I first started this I was mainly just looking for a way to communicate to you, on as personal a basis as possible, that; I DO love you and I DO want to be with you(I always have) and that you're ALWAYS in my heart and that I'm out here struggling and nobody can or will help me to make contact with you and that you are ALWAYS welcome around me , AND.... that you were absolutely NOT a casual sex "by chance" sort of occurrence. I feel a huge sense of relief just in the fact that I've gotten that information to a permanent and accessible place where this is highly likely to be found by you.

I've had a strong feeling that a friend of yours will find it first and alert you to it, I don't know why,it's just a vibe I guess. Wouldn't it be weird if it happened that way after I had that feeling? Frankly, I don't really care how you actually come across this blog I just want you to find it SOON and hey, if(when) you do, don't feel rushed or obligated to contact me right away either Sky. Just take your time and try to stay relaxed(breathe,it way helps) and then when YOU are ready to you can write me an email of whatever length you want and say whatever you feel like saying,whatever that may be. Just be honest Skylar and know that I'll be receptive and open minded to your feelings. All I'm most concerned with is letting you know that I'm out here,struggling,and that the very biggest thing that I want is a daughter to love and to have in my life, just like since before you were conceived.

On another seperate but totally related note, this is a "learn as I go" sort of proposition but as far as the general "format" of this blog is concerned from here on out it looks like it will consist of a somewhat eclectic mix of things I want you to know or to know about, things I'm experiencing in my life, thoughts that I'll openly share for you to read and a lot of me just talking to you as if you were right here with me, where I'd prefer you to be if I had my way about it in the first place. I think it's criminal for me to be separated from you only because I don't have money and because of other peoples closed minded selfishness. Believe me sweetheart, I don't nearly proclaim to be perfect. I have my share of problems, iniquities and shortcomings just like everybody else does but all-in-all when it really comes down to it I honestly feel that your father(ME..YIPEE!!) is a pretty decent person and that I have a huge amount of good and wisdom and love to offer to you as a dad AND as a friend. I am deeply grateful to be able to honestly say that to you and I am truly exalted by the fact that you even exist.

Now then, if this is true what I say about myself, and I assure you in total earnestness that it is, then wouldn't any compassionate and sane minded person conclude that indeed you are being cheated here and that you are missing out and that this is completely unfair to not just me but to you as well? Just a thought sweetie,one that occupies the greatest portion of my brain and heart space these days and one that I've been pressure cooking over for way too long now. Don't the people making all these decisions ever take even the slightest moment to think that maybe it would be a huge asset to your life to be able to have access to a father that 1. Loves you dearly 2. Has a lot of valuable assets besides financial stuff to offer and 3. Would TOTALLY LOVE to have you in his life??

Whew, man sometimes this whole mess is just so way overwhelming that I feel like I'm going to lose my aching mind. Honest parental love should never be trampled on like this Sky, it's just not natural and it's just not humane and it's just not right. There are no apologies in this universe immense enough for a situation like this. I love you with all my heart Sky. So that's my post for today, nobody ever said it would all be easy or nice. My heart is still tearing and I REALLY need a hug right now, a daughter hug. Be well my lovely child, and may peace and love surround you and keep you. I'll post again soon . Love, ... A Beleaguered Dad.