Happy 22nd My Beloved Daughter!!! I Sooo Miss You!!

Happy Birthday Skylar L'nea(!!!!) and I wish, more than anything, that I could tell you to your beautiful face, my love. I am finally, after a somewhat serious medical extension, finishing up my degree at U of I. Hopefully now it will be on to graduate school, and then to a means to finding you, and, at least, letting you know who your real father is.

I'm think I may start posting on here again, as it still is the only hope I currently have of communicating with you (and I'll NEVER give up on that). Maybe now, since you are an adult woman, you may even decide, someday, that you want to take a chance on meeting me, and getting to know who I really am. At least I hope that would be the case.

Anyway, for now, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you on your B-day (non-stop actually), and frankly, I think about you every day Skye, and I always have, always. It absolutely kills my heart too, Skylar.

I love you, my dear, and hope that this day brings for you the positive and lifelong memories you deserve to have. I really miss you, Skylar. And it's the most predominant feeling and emotion I have had since the mid 1990's, when I lost you from my life. Please know that this is true, and I swear it on my very existence. I just thought it important for you to know that, Skylar.

You know, when I started out writing for you in this blog, I used to like to include quotes I felt might be important, or useful, to you. In that respect, I'll leave you with one today. This one is actually a sort of hopeful pleading, rather than an actual quote, Per Se, but it was originally penned by a very well-spoken gentleman named James A. Garfield (Who was also known as the 20th President of these good old United States). Garfield was writing to his wife back then, but I believe it speaks for me quite appropriately, in this case, also.

“I hope when you reflect upon the entirety of my life, and balance up the whole of my wayward self, you will still find, after the many proper and heavy deductions are made, a small balance left on which you can base some respect and affection.”

Someday, somehow, I hope that if/when you were to consider such matters for yourself, and I very much hope you someday will, that the same may be true for me, just as that ancient dead guy wished for way back then (In like 1880 or something). For now though, I just want to say, emphatically... Happy 22nd Birthday, Skye, and many, many more!!!. I hope to post again here soon (I don't even know if you've ever even seen this blog yet, sweetheart, but I hope so).  

Forever Grateful For You,
Your Forever Loving Father

Still Going, And Missing You Every Day

Hi sweetheart, I was just sitting in the University library and I was feeling completely inundated with stress and overwhelming amounts of class work, so I thought I would take a couple of minutes to seek out your blog page and I decided to make a short post. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, Skylar, and that I love you so very very much. I know that you are getting closer to the age of independence, not that that's any exact age, but I wanted to reiterate to you that I am always open to any sort of contact from you and would give anything if that could only happen. I'm still fighting for my life out here, but that is no reason why I wouldn't be extremely exalted by any contact I could be afforded with you. I only pray that that could someday happen, and not a moment too soon could that moment be. I miss you, and I love you, and you are always very much completely welcomed and wanted in my presence at anytime so please know that to be the case. If you ever wonder who or where I am, just send me an email and let me know you're out there and that you're doing alright. I will go for now, but I hope to be able to begin posting from time to time as soon as I can get a computer set up and running.

I wish you only the best, as always, and may God bless you're every breath. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. I realize you're getting all grown up these days, but it's still important to remember the things I always closed these posts with. Please be sure to treat people right, you know, how you would prefer to be treated, and, always make sure that you are conscious of the choices that you make and be mindful of making choices that reflect your ability to know what's right. I love you and I miss you, my darling lovely girl. Je t'aime chèrement mon beau Ciel. Vous êtes ma légèreté et mon espoir. God bless, and I hope to speak with you soon.

Love,
Your Forever Adoring Father

A Great Update !!!!!!! Still Loving you.......Still missing you....

Hi sweetheart! I wanted to get this thing going regularly again, but have firmly decided that what I am doing with college and the pursuit of a more solid future(or present, for that matter), since it draws from the same creative energy pool as this blog, is at present a considerable bit more important to me, and way more effective in bringing about some truly tangible and positive change. That said, I wanted to post this brief entry for two important reasons. One reason is to let you know that I am still out here, hurting and missing you, and that I love you with every ounce of life in my being. The other reason is to update you on what positive things I've been accomplishing lately, in my pursuit of a better life. That would, by the way, constitute a life that decidedly had you very much in it. Anyway, here's where I'm at so far, in my big gnarly "quest for survival".

Well, I'm still in college, getting retrained, and as a sophomore college student I have maintained just below a 3.8 grade point average. Just in case you don't understand what a GPA is just yet, a 3.8 is not too shabby at all. In fact, to many folks, that would be considered doing really really great!! I would have retained a perfect 4.0, but I failed miserably on two math classes, and got stuck with a B in both of them. Damn! Oh well, life continues, and I'm not going to let that get me down, or , at least I'm not going to let that put a halt to my efforts of achieving a college degree. As far as I'm aware, I think they still award degrees to people that have two B's on there transcript. Besides, there's lots of positive stuff to effectively counter balance the negatives. For one, I'm still here, and breathing, and not incarcerated, so those are three extremely basic qualities that I NEVER take for granted, and feel a strong sense of gratitude for, everyday.

But there's more, and it's more immediately visible too. I was maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA for quite a while, and during the course of my first few semesters, I had spoken with several different people, of professional stature, that all similarly stated to me that when it came to hiring individuals for an employment position, they would literally pass up the people with a 4.0 in the event that they didn't have any extra-curricular activities to demonstrate a sense of social skills, and an ability to interact effectively with other people. Well, I didn't have any of those credentials thus far, and since this was my life equivalent to that final rocket shot at the end of the original Star Wars movie(Did you see that?), in other words, a long shot do it or die last chance at life, I knew that getting involved in a positive, productive way was a virtual imperative to my chance of overall success in my current life pursuits. Enter the new, highly involved me.

I am happy to be able to announce to you that, within the last several months, I have....became an Ambassador of the college(which is a tour guide), volunteer monitored a help lab for underprivileged students(like me!), gained a position helping in the International Education Office(which helps pay tuition), became a senator in the student government association, became a primary coordinator for SAFE(the Student Association For the Environment), got elected to, and still hold, two officer positions in the Phi Theta Kappa honor society(and also elected the President of PTK for next year!), and campaigned for and was elected to be seated as the Student Representative to the Board of Trustees, which means that I am the officially recognized liaison between the entire 13,000+ student body, and the Board of Trustees(which is a very big deal), and all the while am still maintaining a diligent pursuit of my education through a rigorous load of classes!!!! Be proud of me Sky, right now I truly believe that I could live up to that honor. Oh yeah, and I've also been nominated to the National Deans List, which would include my picture, and your name listed as my daughter!

I just wanted to fill you in on what's been going down lately, Skylar Wheatley(MYSKY!), and to assure you that not only have I not forgotten about you(FAR from it!), and have NOT given up on this forum in my attempts to communicate with you, but that I am indeed giving this effort my all, and in fact, all with the constant vision of you in my heart. So know this, Skylar, I will never give up on this blog and could never ever even remotely begin to forget about you or let you slip from my heart, for indeed, darling, you are the very heart that I feel and know and live with every day. You are my whole heart, Sky. And you forever will be. Don't forget that sweetie, I love you more than life itself, and I miss you beyond anyone's ability to express in words.

I know it's been a long time since I've posted here, but you should know that I've always been deeply entrenched in fighting for a chance to someday see you with my own eyes, and hear the beautiful song of your voice, and I will continue to fight to this end, because quite frankly my love, I'm fighting for my very heart. In a strange twist to this whole situation I'm in, that's the only thing that's strong enough to push me through this fight. And without my heart, what good could I be to any one in the first place? I have not uttered these profound words to you in some time now, but do to the Aristotelian nature of their truth, they ring as sound today as they ever have, or ever, and always, will. I love you dearly Skylar, and I want you to always know, without any doubt, that I will be here for you, if, and when, you ever decide that you need me, my emotional support, or guidance through anything, and at anytime in your life.

You can do anything you truly put your mind to, Skylar, you just have to be willing to do the work, and most importantly of all, take that first important step. Just always try your best, and that takes a certain willingness and acceptance of your weaknesses and personal faults. So keep the faith, babe, cause things truly can and will change for the better, if you will both commit to making them, and decide to let them.

I Love You So Much, Sky, and please do not hesitate to contact me if ever even the slightest inclination should occur to you. I need to hear from you with all my heart, Skylar, and I'm missing you to the point of sickness. Please send an email, and tell me that you're there, and that you're truly, really, doing alright. My heart cries out for you, wherever you are. Take care of yourself, darling daughter, and look out for the family that you do have around you, for they are truly beyond a priceless treasure to your heart, realize it or not. I'll post again here as soon as I can. I Love you, Sky, and I pray that peace and love may surround you, and keep you safe and healthy. Try you're best to stay positive, beautiful one, and I hope to hear from you soon. Adieu ma fille, vous êtes ma légèreté et mon espoir.

ALL Of My Heart Is Yours,
Your Eternally Loving Father

Another A !!! One step closer !!!!! I Love You Skylar !!!!

Hi sweetheart, I hope this finds you doing well and appreciating life in a positive sense these days. I've been doing a little bit of celebrating today. I just took my final in my minimester music class and......listen to this Sky...not only did your dear old dad get the highest score on the final exam, but I also got the highest score for the entire class too !!!!!! Someday I'm gonna be able to afford the name brand macaroni and cheese !!!! Look out big world, here I come!

Phew !!! College is pretty rough for old people !!

Hi baby, how are things going for you sweetheart? Are you wrapping up your first year of high school? I hope you have found this thing and are paying some sort of attention to the wisdoms I offer to you about you're school experience. Believe me, I have been both a celebrated academic and a less than responsible failure as a student too, so I know from first hand knowledge just what it feels like to be on both sides of that track.

 My actions in the here and now will show you just which side I've learned is the most (by FAR) desirable of the two. Stay in school Sky, and for Gods sake make sure you enjoy the opportunity while it is afforded to you, and do the best you can. It will pay for itself in your future and you will look back on the experience with spectacularly positive hindsight. I just love you sweetheart and I want to see you do well for yourself, that's all.

As for my educational goals, I am very happy to be able to tell you that at the end of my first ever college semester... you're father has passed all of the initial classes that were attempted. Oh yeah, and I got a 4.0 too. YIPPEE !!!!!

Be True To Yourself And Good Things Will Come Your Way

Hi Sky, I wish you were here sweetie. I've been really busy with educating myself at college lately, and it appears that while this will be an incredible step up for my life, and I will be kept extremely busy with all the work involved with going to college fulltime, unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's going to take any of the hurt out of how much I'm missing you. Major Bummer. I was hoping that this college process might take a sort of "two birds with one stone" effect and help to alleviate some of the harshness of being away from you while I am bettering my life. NOT.

So anyway, Sky, how have you been? I realize you may have to think back to remember how you were when I wrote this, because you probably have not found this yet. I know this is obviously not the best way to communicate with someone, but you just have to reflect a little on the fact that I am writing this in real time, and you're getting it ...well...when ever you end up getting it. Hopefully that's by now, but if not then I pray that you will find this thing a.s.a.p. because I'd love to think that I'm actually talking to a live and actively thinking audience, know what I mean?

I hope that you have been able to assimilate your new high school experiences and have found some new and productive ways to make this a beneficial time for yourself. Ya know, although it probably feels alot like everybody's trying to tell you what to do all the time, this time is really a time for you, a time when you can build an integral foundation for yourself in preparation for the rest of your life, which of course, I would severely LOVE to be a part of(so keep that in mind too!). I just want, and hope for you to be able to realize the positive opportunities that your in the midst of right now, in the here & now, and that you'll be able to seize the chance to gain flight to a higher and better place in your life. I Love You Skylar, sooo very much.

I pray that you will stay safe from harmful things, and be lifted up by the winds of inspiration and swept into a heavenly direction. It is my fondest dream to see you do well in your life. At this point it's actually my fondest dream just to be able to see you, but I'll always wish you well, my love, regardless of the state of our relationship. It's my deepest concern that you will just have the courage to give new and positive things a try, and to engage life with a verve that shows your fathers genetic influence. It is also very important for you to approach all this with the peace of mind that comes with knowing that messing up and making mistakes is all just an integral part of the discovery and learning process.

I have great faith in you though Sky. It's that fatherly genetic influence. You have the goods to get things done, honorably, productively, and efficiently. You need only to find the way to connect with these abilities and integrate them into your life. Just never quit trying Sky, that's all that truly matters babe. Just keep the faith, and never give up. I'm certainly way far from knowing everything, but this is one thing that I know quite a bit about, and my knowledge in this area is backed up with some pretty remarkable experience.

Well sweetheart, I guess I should probably get a move on, being a college student puts some serious demands on your time. I hope that you can honestly reflect on some of the things I say to you in this web log, and that in time you may be able to find some of them useful in your own life as well. Please take time to tell the ones you love that you care alot about them, Sky. It's important that we share the way we feel about the people that are important to us while we have the living opportunity. We can never know how long we will be able to enjoy any individuals company and influence in our lives and if we are ever forced to suffer the loss of someone that we loved and/or respected, it could be a priceless gift to be able to know that this person was aware of how you honestly felt about them, just in case we might never be afforded the opportunity again. Love'em while ya got'em, in the living years.

I'm still dreaming of hearing from you and I hope you can somehow be drawn to just put you're name(or mine) into any major search engine and see what comes up. Someday I know this dream will come true and you will somehow come across this web log. Like I was saying, until then I guess I'll somehow just have to keep the faith and know that I'll make it through. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART SKYLAR and I hope to get some sort of contact from you real soon.

Take care of your loved ones that are around you and keep yourself well darling. And, as always, please be sure to treat others at least as good as you would prefer to be treated, and remember to always be conscious of doing the right thing and make choices that you can look back on and be glad you made. I know you probably know these things Sky, but I just want you to be alright and these things both will help you in a huge way, to be a better person, and to better enjoy your life.

Take care sweetheart, I LOVE YOU. And I pray that I will somehow see you soon. Adieu ma fille, vous êtes ma légèreté et mon espoir. Vous aurez mon coeur pour toujours. Je t'aime chèrement mon beau Ciel. Veuillez me contacter bientôt, mon amour. I miss you Skylar, really bad. May peace and love surround you my lovely daughter, and may God bless your every breath and keep you under his protection.

All My Love and FOREVER,
Your Eternally Grateful Father

Skylar, I Did It !! I'm In COLLEGE !!! Now It's Time To Start Making Some PERMANENT Improvements In My Life !!!!

Hi Sky, I hope you are having a good time, so far, with your high school career. It always sounds alot easier than it is, to try and get a sound education, but, if there ever was anything that I could totally assure you of, it would be that getting a sound and well rounded education is definitely among the greatest idea's you could ever come up with, and definitley worth the effort involved in getting there. Whew, I'm here at school right now, writing these words to you, right before I start my first ever college class, and christen my new college career, thus beginning the path to a much better life for myself, and you too someday, I pray. Skylar, this is SO amazingly exciting, sweetheart!!!

I don't know WHAT I would do if I didn't have any opportunities like this, to help to make a livable life for myself. Thank God that I'm able to even BE in school right now, and that, someday, I'm sure, He's gonna bring you home to me, and finally grace my life with your long missed, and much desired, presence in my life. I know that things aren't easy when you're trying to assimilate new tasks and subject matter, but, If you...wait a sec...if WE, can just hold on, and keep the faith, while realizing the dramatic amount of improvement our lives will enjoy through gaining a decent education, I feel confident that, before long, we will be able to look back on these days, and be glad that we went through the struggles, and put out the effort, that's necessary to obtain a solid education for ourselves.

Well sweetie, I have to get off to MY FIRST CLASS!! I just wanted to steal away a few seconds to let you know what I'm up to these days, and to just generally keep in touch. I Love You Sky, please know that as the whole fact as pertaining to the light in which I hold my personal regard for you. I am trying to find a way to gain access to an attorney to help me out in this matter, and to, hopefully, make some headway on locating you and letting me know that you are truly, REALLY, doing alright. It is also very important to me that you have the ability to contact me at any time, about anything, and whenever you wish, and I hope I will be able to fully establish that ability for you(us) as well. That would certainly be the very least I could expect from an attorney.

Sky, please take a moment and read the closing paragraghs on a few of the posts that I've published prior to this one. It would greatly please me, and certainly benefit you to a high level as well, if you were to take heed to the requests that I make to you, repetitively(for a reason- i.e.- their extreme significance to your life), before closing each post. Always remember in your heart and mind, Sky, that I love and miss you, darling. Skylar, my absolute fondest dream is, always was, and will continue to be untill fulfilled, to have you in my life and by my side, baby, as the beautiful daughter that I relentlessly prayed for, and was, on one special day back in '91, eternally blessed beyond my wildest imaginations by, as you materialized into a real life living dream come true for me. I feel an unrelenting compulsion, to be as plainly honest with you as I can, and it's important to me for you to truly know, my love, how I honestly feel inside.

I Love You With Every Essence Of Positive Energy In My Heart, Skylar. That's simply and truly how I feel, and I just thought that these honest feelings might be held to some importance to you. That is why I share with you my true heart, my love. I thought you'd like to know. Take care of the family members that you have around you, Sky, as I cannot stress enough the true value of having those that you love around you, to depend on, and share in witness to your life. God bless you, Skylar Wheatley, and may you find peace and a lasting sense of lovingness through out your days and nights. I will post again here soon, my love. Keep the faith, Sky, and never surrender to negativity. We're going to make it to a better place, honey, the both of us. Adieu ma fille. Mon coeur est toujours à vous, mon beau ciel.

All Of My Heart Is Yours,
Your Forever Adoring Father (w/the G.F.E.)